I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
