the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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