omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
