fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
