Whod you bang
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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