I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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