I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
