I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
