well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The uberlube is also flammable
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
