in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
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