Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
