My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
