So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
being pregnant is like rehab
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
