Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
