i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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