My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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