omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
