census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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