she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
