____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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