i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
