I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
wow bdsm is so cute
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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