She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
