Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
