Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
