curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
