When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
