there's paper in my vomit.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
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hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
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Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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