Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
