that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
