Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You took a bar mat shot.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
