I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
