you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
