I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
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While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
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She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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