Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
