You made me cry and you don't even care
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize