Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
