just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
