Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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