i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
