All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
420 ftw
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
