Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
