3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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