My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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