Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
