I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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