My Higher Power is John Stamos
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
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You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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