I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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