I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
