He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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