She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
