Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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