Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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